All Aboard the Fail Boat

Funny that I've had so much to say today, shouting into empty rooms and off our back balcony, but now that I sit down to write, it's hard to gather my thoughts.

I was going to talk about the stuff I heard from my higher self (not good), but the thing is, I don't even know if it really was my higher self. These beings are constantly mimicking people's voices in my mind - other beings, family who have passed, my own inner voices, there seems to be no end to it. Regardless, what I heard was what a disappointment I am to my higher self, and that somehow I was supposed to become spiritually awakened and empowered in my twenties or thirties, but I've failed to achieve my destiny because I never managed to successfully get off meds. Never mind that I was put on them before I was old enough to make that choice for myself. Never mind that I therefore never got the chance to learn essential coping and self-soothing skills. Never mind that I was given the message that bad feelings had to be repressed, that I was sick and medication was the only answer. Never mind that starting at age 14, I tried to get off meds countless times. And if I bring my mother into it for putting me on meds in the first place (and reinforcing them throughout my entire life), they say she was doing the best she could with what she knew, and I need to stop blaming other people. But THEY are blaming ME - and have I not been doing the best I could myself this entire time?!

I am not even trying to put the blame on my higher self at this point; I admit that I have no idea how this stuff works. And as far as blaming my mother goes, I do understand that she was doing the best she could, and she genuinely thought she was helping me. But I cannot wrap my head around the idea that this is all my fault. Moreover, the pieces of this story I have gleaned to date don't totally add up. They said I was supposed to spiritually awaken younger - much younger. But how? I grew up in a completely nonspiritual household, and was mocked when I took an interest in new age and paganism. I attended heavily Christian schools and went on to a largely conservative Southern university. I didn't really start reading up on meditation and such until I was in my late twenties - and apparently by then, I was already hopelessly off course (as attested to by the failure of what was supposedly a critical romantic relationship in my mid-to-late twenties). Today, in response to my incessant demand of "When?!" (as in, "When was this supposed to happen?"), they finally told me I should have refused or gotten off Zoloft when I was 16. As I recall, I was inconsolable over my first love moving away with his family in the middle of the relationship, and for a valedictory candidate like myself, high school was a maelstrom of pressure on top of it. Not to mention, when I did finally force myself off meds my senior year, I dropped to 98 pounds and broke out in hives from the anxiety. Does that sound like a recipe for success?

Unfortunately, this comes on the heels of a difficult session talking with my (deleted) contact last night, as channeled by my partner. While I appreciated the overall focus on soothing me, I found myself at a loss as my targeted questions to try to nail down what the hell is going on were met with answers I had a hard time puzzling out, thanks in part to constant insertions and background chatter from the other beings. It was very difficult for me to stay focused, and I got the impression that pointed questions were not the way to go. I didn't even get around to asking anything about the book. All I know is that the terms of the deal some of these beings made years ago with the woman who is psychically attacking me remain undefined. At first they were telling me everything would get better once I stop drinking (though what exactly that means is never explained), but then yesterday, I was told that no, deal or no deal (they call it an "arrangement,"), those who hate me will be tormenting me forever. Until I become empowered, I suppose ... but given I'm back to 6+ drinks today, that feels like a distant possibility. I honestly can't even say why I started drinking more today in the first place; I just didn't feel good this morning and couldn't get into my work, per usual.

I hate that I can't even feel proud of myself for things like my career achievements anymore, because every success pales in comparison to the looming shadow of my failure. I keep wondering if maybe this is all just part of some big plan to push me into empowerment, but those have not historically gone well, and I don't want to make any foolish assumptions.

I also had a down moment today after some of the kinder beings were talking to me, telling me how much they are learning from me, and then they told me several times that they love me! ... But it wasn't long before they (assuming it was the same beings) told me they only said it to try to improve relations and put me at ease, not because they actually feel it. My partner pointed out that the ways they interact with me are positive, indicating some loving feelings for me, but I'm not sure I believe that. I know that a big difference between humans and these beings is that humans are much more heart-centered, by necessity (because we have to cooperate to overcome adversity in the fully material world, and because we don't have unity consciousness). So, some of them may well appreciate me, given their kindness. Or maybe they're just desperate to maintain a decent working relationship for the future, despite my failures, and are approaching me accordingly. It's so hard to know what the fuck is really going on.

I am so depressed today. I don't know what it's going to take to get out of it. I feel hopeless. I guess technically, nothing has changed; these beings - or some of them - still want to work with me on this book. But the more I hear about my train wreck of a backstory, and how my higher self feels about me, the more I feel like a worthless piece of shit. Worse, it seems like I have let humanity and the planet down by not stepping into my empowerment in a timely manner. (Ugh, all I can see is that Lady of the Harvest faerie card...)

I don't know what else to say. I was hoping writing would make me feel better. I wish I could feel excited about New Zealand. I wish I could feel connected to my partner again. And I wish I could feel more excited about working with these beings. I only got the tiniest taste of my empowerment before they slammed down on me, and they haven't backed off since. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how I'm going to miraculously transform all this anger and fear and shame into sobriety - not to mention unmedicated sobriety. I guess I just have to trust that if it were truly too late, the call would never have been heard.