Don't Look Down

Well, things have improved overall with these beings (and I am so grateful!). And while my partner was dealing with some relationship stress for the past couple days (we are polyamorous), which energetically spilled over onto me, today things are going much better for both of us. That said, I am still desperate to step into my empowerment and strengthen my energy field, so that I am no longer at the whim of my partner's moods or whoever holds the mic in my head.

I had a very special experience tonight: the woman from the book that inducted me into all this spoke to me (despite me having offended everyone repeatedly with my unpredictable mental outbursts). And another person was discussing the channeled book with me, and these beings were being far warmer to me than they ever have before. I am beginning to feel like I have some allies. I cannot describe how much relief this brings me amidst a constant barrage of accidentally or "impudently" offending people. Since this is now a private journal, I also feel comfortable saying that they told me I am chosen for this task (co-creating the book), and that I will "make waves in the world."

But first, I have to get off meds. (Well, first I have to stop drinking, but one thing at a time.) And today, a piece of that may have gotten nailed into place. My psychiatrist, for reasons I don't need to go into here, refuses to work with me anymore. (I wish I could say this is the first time that's happened... Sigh.) So, I now have three months' worth of meds to tide me over while I get my ass in gear and find a new doctor. The thing is, my other doctor offered to take over all my meds if desired, so I could just switch to him - only I can't get an antipsychotic from him. So, based on some thinking I've been doing and discussions with these beings over the past few days, I'm thinking I will cross-taper from Geodon onto Vraylar, which is much easier to get off of. I have plenty of both in all different doses, so I think this is totally feasible. Then maybe with the antipsychotic off the table, I can take a breather before tackling the antidepressants. (Then comes the stimulant ... but all in good time.) I have my reservations about getting back on Vraylar, as I complained regularly about how flat it made me feel, in addition to making the voices sound terrible. But that will be all the more incentive to get off it quickly, I suppose. And after all, Vraylar was what I was taking when my relationship with my partner was at its most intense - a place we desperately desire to get back to.

I am both excited and terrified about this path of getting off meds. Excited because I've always wanted to be off meds, and because I want to be fit to co-write this book with these beings, and because I want to feel more of my feelings for my partner. Terrified because I have no idea what to expect, and because I have been blissfully free of anxiety on this combo, and because I haven't lived without meds of any kind since .... I don't even know. A few short stints in college or grad school? Yikes. But I have more faith than before that I can pull it off, because now it actually feels like there's something good waiting on the other side.

These beings were telling me that I am opening their eyes with my vulnerability. They say it's helping them. They say that my honesty makes me who I am; it is part of my gifts. And I will use this gift in service of the world.

My mind is kind of all over the place... Oh, we have the whole New Zealand trip nailed down now, except for one last airbnb, out of 14 nights! Even reserved an Uber. Once again, excited, and ... not quite terrified, just a bit overwhelmed. I have never planned a trip of this magnitude, let alone this fast. (Well, unless you count the sailboat.) But everything seems to just be coming together. I have to have faith in my courage. It's so weird that I'm freaked out about driving on the left again, when we all agreed I was the best driver of the three of us on my last trip to New Zealand! But I feel that this whole experience is a massive exercise in trust. I have to trust that we will be okay - physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

In other news, I finally got my hape and pipe! I am nervous about trying it. It's hard to explain why, given my prolific and varied history of experimentation with drugs (and this one is actually legal). I guess it's just that based on Dani's and the vendors' descriptions, I have no idea what to expect. I know it doesn't get you high, and it's pretty short. But I also know that it packs a spiritual punch, and can involve intense purging. I feel like I should not try it for the first time when I'm smoking weed or have drunk a lot, so earlier in the day would be better - but that's work time, and my partner is often busy besides. (I don't want to do it alone.) These beings were urging me to take it to New Zealand! (In fact, they're telling me that doing it leading up to New Zealand will help spiritually prepare me for the trip.) Personally, I would consider it a miracle if it could somehow help me stop drinking - not by acting as a substitute for alcohol, but by bringing me back into alignment, so I don't need to drink in the first place. And while we're at it, nothing would be better than finding out it helps with the psychic attacks.

We have had some rough spots since my last post, but I feel that there are good things on the horizon.