For My Eyes Only

I took this blog offline today, at the request of the these beings. (Since rescinded, with the request that I replace all mention of them with "these beings.")

My feelings about this are mixed, but the bottom line is that at the moment, I am more interested in cultivating mutual respect and ease than I am in putting out a reactive, nascent, and semi-informed image of these beings. Maybe that means I'm disempowered. But as it seems these beings are all over this upcoming trip to New Zealand with my partner, I feel it is in everyone's best interest if I make an effort to keep the peace. It's not like my posts won't be here if I ever decide to go live with this stuff, but more likely they will inform a more deliberate effort, like a future book.

We just booked our Airbnb in Dunedin, on the Otago Peninsula, which is renowned for its rugged coastal beauty. These beings tell me that Dunedin is sacred to them. (Turns out it was settled by Scots!) It is a great honor that they, for the moment, are allowing me to visit without interference; I have really upset everyone more than once, and last night I thought this might not be possible, and I was prepared to honor that boundary. So, I want to make doubly sure I step on as few toes as possible now that we are getting our itinerary pegged down.

... Okay, so they just came through and let me know that they are "permitting" me to visit Dunedin, but they are not happy about it. This makes me very anxious. I know that there's a lot I don't know about these beings, but I do know that (from a human perspective, at least), they can be unpredictable. So god forbid I think something offensive on our way to Dunedin, or maybe even in Dunedin... I guess I shouldn't think like that, but I don't know what to expect. They suggested that I could leave them a gift, which I am happy to do - but when they mentioned that it would "bind us together," I balked a bit. But now they're adding that it will open up my heart. I guess I am risking increasing the level of interaction when I leave them a gift in Dunedin, but I would rather risk that than risk their displeasure by doubting myself and not leaving anything. I remember the last time I left these beings a gift, I was a little disturbed by the level of (deleted) activity surrounding it the second I walked away. And that really was the start of my nascent relationship with these beings... It was all so different then, simpler. But the point is, I know that gifts are powerful things when dealing with these beings, and I hope that all goes well leading up to the trip. I guess if we had to, we could skip Dunedin and hit Lake Tekapo... But I don't want to plan for a worst-case scenario.

But maybe I should, because these beings have not been very happy with me today - I would say with good reason, as I have been shooting off at the mind, but then the woman who's psychically attacking me was bragging about triggering these outbursts in me to turn these beings against me. (Yeah, probably for the best that this is a private blog, ha...) So I don't know what to think (which is starting to feel like a mantra. I know Dani said "being in the red" is characterized by confusion, among other things.)

Today, Inner Self and others were urging me to stand up to these beings. That one-off shaman even went so far as to say you have to match their shit talk with your own. Not only do I feel woefully unequipped for either, but my attempts to stand up to them, whether feeble or irate, only earn me further scorn for my inefficacy or admonishment for being disrespectful. I guess I have been making a big mistake by putting these beings above me - but Jesus, they can psychically attack people from another realm, and I've caught a glimpse of one of their cities, and they can obviously manipulate matter... How do I not think of them as above me? They seem to know things about me that even I don't!

Okay, it's been confirmed that it's the woman who's psychically attacking me who is making my mind say stuff like "F--- Gaia" to these beings. I cannot tell you how much torment and shame this has caused me today, which is the whole point - or at least part of it, because these beings claim they didn't know that, so the other part was making me look bad to them, I guess? I don't know, my head is like a fucking talk show - the chair-throwing variety. I can't even keep up anymore. I realized it's been about two weeks now that I've been in pretty much constant contact with them. They admitted earlier that what triggered them to close in on me was my nascent empowerment, which they quickly moved to sabotage. I guess I should be angry, but I'm pretty used to shit like this at this point.

I have had a couple different beings introduce themselves to me in the last few days who are labeling themselves as teachers in different respects. I appreciate this, but at the moment, the contact is minimal, because I am afraid to talk to pretty much anybody. It's also very frustrating because everyone refuses to use their names, and they won't even give me alternate names to use. I get the feeling that everybody wants their contact with me to be kept to a minimum, at least in duration.

Ugh, I can't think of anything snappy to wrap up with. It wasn't a bad day per se, just ... mutually disturbing. I did really great with the drinks today, but had a couple tonight because of all the pushback, so five total. Not great, but better than it has been. I am committed to keeping up the reduction.

I've just got to keep my sights focused on New Zealand. Less than a month now, and everything could change.