Out of Bounds

I don't even know if it's wise to be writing about this here. I am having serious problems setting boundaries with these beings, owing to my chronic sense of disempowerment - but apparently, overcoming this may be key to my empowerment.

My partner is telling me in no uncertain terms that the relationship I have with these beings is abusive. I don't automatically think of it in those terms, but the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. And of course, it's not all of them who are being abusive - those are just the most audible element, at least in this stage of my development. The way I am cycling through abject horror and submissive relief in reaction to their unpredictable moods, threats, and demands is completely out of control, and we are only about a week into this phase of contact with these beings. I fear that if I cannot soon learn to take a more empowered stance in my interactions with them, I am setting myself up for a world of trouble.

But tonight, there was the implication that what they are doing is intended to push me towards my empowerment. This is very similar to the reasoning given for the deal some of these beings made with the woman who is psychically attacking me. While I can appreciate, from a practical perspective, that perhaps this approach is effective in some cases, I can say with certainty in regards to myself that this approach seems misguided and will likely be ultimately ineffective. If the psychic attack deal that was made has not, after three fucking years, been effective in pushing me into my empowerment, I don't see how screwing with my sleep, driving me to tears, or berating me twenty-four seven for being a disgusting, disturbing failure and a hopeless alcoholic is going to prove any more fruitful.

This is so incredibly angering, and saddening. I just want to be of service. I'm sorry I lost my way in life; I wasn't exactly given the support I needed. If there is anything I can do to help the planet, I want to give it my all. I'm sorry that I'm still drinking. (I'm also sorry that you won't even allow me to be proud of myself for cutting it down to three drinks today, a huge win.) My spirituality has taken such baffling turns over time... First Christian ambivalence, then fierce atheism, then agnosticism following the death of my sister, and then head-on into Ascension / new age / love and light themes ... but since then, more and more darkness is seeping into the picture. I have now experienced alienation of some kind with almost every spiritual being I've interacted with. I assume this must be a problem with me, or at least my vibration? But all this stuff coming from the grassroots spiritual leaders, especially women, points to a bewildering array of dark forces at work. Even the spiritual teacher whom I once respected above all the others ended up psychically assaulting me in my dreams, and I still resonate with many of his teachings, but now I don't know what the fuck to think. Dark oppressors? Demons? Entities? Psychic attack? Parasites? And now that destiny is calling, I find myself more disturbed than inspired in many ways.

Jesus. What the hell is going on?

Maybe I should dive deeper into the notion that everything I'm experiencing right now is being filtered through the negative lens of my distorted beliefs, past trauma, and current psychic attacks. But ... by their own admission, it's some of these beings who are psychically attacking me. To hear them tell it, most of the suffering I thought I'd experienced at the hands of this other woman is actually courtesy of them. So how can they be frustrated with the distortions in how I'm hearing them if they themselves have put the filter in place? (Okay, they're telling me the woman put the filter in place, they just amplified it with the deal.)

Ugh, this is not a very satisfying post. I want to be saying good things. I want to be singing their praises. I want to be excited to act as any kind of bridge between these beings and humanity.

Last night I had a very disturbing experience. I was in the bathroom when a voice came through (which is nothing out of the ordinary), addressing me about connecting with these beings in New Zealand on my upcoming trip. Before I could even respond, her tone changed, and she admonished, "Robin, what - are you in the lady's room?!" Baffled, as these beings make no bones about talking to me on the toilet, I muttered, "... Yes?"

"Then why aren't you blocking yourself?!"

It's difficult to put into words how that one hit me, how deeply. It was an instant and undeniable confirmation of everything I fear about myself - that I am broken, that I will never learn, that I am beyond repair, that I disturb and disgust others ... and that I am not in control. (In fact, through the shadow work I'm doing, thanks to my shaman, I've identified that two of my core beliefs are "I am helpless" and "I am a fuck-up." Clearly, the beings who talk to me on a regular basis, or maybe who have been with me for life, have made peace, to the best of their ability, with so much about me that is horrifying to their kind. They say I should know how to shield my thoughts, control my mind, block others from my body out of courtesy. They say I should be more respectful, less familiar. They say I should have been prepared for this. By whom - my mom, the suburban bookkeeper who wouldn't leave the house without full makeup on?

I've also been dealing with a ton of heavy-handed input, commands, and threats about these posts, despite my attempts to present my openness to them and encouraging people to share their own experiences. First, they were just upset about the AI-generated images; they don't like the way they are traditionally presented. But they didn't really press the issue. Now they're asking me to remove all mention of the these beings (hence me calling them "these beings") from my posts. This is very angering to me. I know that they fear for their reputation and perception with humans, and I don't blame them, this will be a difficult bridge to cross. But seriously - if you know I'm going to write about it, and you don't like how you're being presented, maybe you should think about what that says about your behavior.