Taking Stock

It appears that it's been a year since I last posted here ... and what a year it's been. But I've decided to make some edits and take the blog live again, so, here goes.

For starters, after a yearlong fight over a grueling legal process (hire a lawyer, my friends), my partner finally divorced the woman who was psychically attacking me, which is major. He did not just do this to please me; he admitted that he eventually realized, largely through the way she handled the whole "poly" nightmare amongst us, that she doesn't love him the way he wants to be loved. Amen.

Likewise, my partner said goodbye to partner #3 he had accidentally picked up in an ill-advised foray into exploring casual sex (new to him). That was also a year ago, but to my knowledge, she still continues to pepper him with everything from texts to Facebook messages to email, trying to lure him back in from different emotional angles... Thankfully, at my constant asking, he has since has the good sense to block her everywhere, and we finally did a cord cutting, after which we both immediately experienced immense relief. (If anyone would like a basic ritual for a cord cutting, please comment or message me, it is thorough and very effective in my experience, no accessories required.) Please note that cord cuttings do next to nothing if you maintain any kind of active connection with the person, even online. Even reading a message from them that you do not respond to is enough for them to recement their psychic attachment to you and keep feeding on / fucking with you. That said, I still feel that my partner and I are dealing with some residual fallout from their former relationship, which I now believe energetically sabotaged everything from our sex life to my drinking habits. (She's a practicing witch, just like his ex-wife - red flag numero uno.) Be careful whom you choose to connect with and how.

Drinking and meds... I wish I had more positive to say. Around May, I was able to wean off my antipsychotic, Geodon, with relative ease (it's a notoriously difficult one to exit). That said, my drinking went back up in response, and I did not experience the hoped-for return of my deep loving feelings - I just cried and got angry more easily. I lasted about six months, with relative stability. At that point, I now understand, my partner's soon-to-be ex-wife ramped up the psychic attacks, and I was drinking so hard that I was being bombarded with suicidal messages 24/7. In a panic, I pulled the plug on drinking, temporarily, but it was spontaneously getting back on Geodon that really pulled me out of that crisis. As for me not drinking at all, that lasted all of two weeks. Still fighting this battle, especially since...

News flash! I got angelic help removing my partner's ex-wife from my energy field, definitively. This was not just through prayer; through the power of my open channel, I am able to interface with powerful archangels directly, and it was one of these who worked with me extensively to definitely remove her from my energy field and seal the big hole that had let her in. Since then, I don't hear her constant abuse like I used to, just echoes in my mind. But something ramped up with her the next day (back in January), and I feel like I've been on a bender ever since. Like, I always have a drink in my hand, from the moment I wake up. It's the only way I can cope with the collective energy drain I'm feeling.

I learned in January that 50-something people are passively feeding on me, ever since my mom vampirized me to the degree that she ripped a big hole in my field when I was just two. She then encouraged people to help themselves, both because it made them like her more, and because it made me easier to manage. All the subsequent diagnoses, medications, and mental and physical health problems are just the slow-motion train wreck of that initial violation. (For the record, I get the impression that this level of violation is not common, but that said, TONS of mothers have been and are feeding on their children - and it's only getting worse in response to the collective subconscious perception of the growing darkness on this planet.) Anyway, the net result is, I've been propping myself up with meds for years, and now even the meds aren't strong enough to offset the outflow of my "heartlight" (which is a very special color that apparently everyone craves), so as my shaman put it, I am constantly drinking in an attempt to "dim my light" and make it less desirable to all my parasites.

My beloved partner and I have performed more cord cuttings for me than we can count at this point. The good news is, they often have immediate and lasting results - I feel better, or at least I stop hearing the perpetrator. But ... fifty-plus people??? I feel like I will be at this for the rest of my life - and that's assuming I can even IDENTIFY who these people are, when it could be something as innocuous as a grade-school classmate, or some homeless person I was foolish enough to give money to (giving money to anyone, it turns out, can create a psychic attachment).

As for the infamous "beings" (who, by their request, shall go unnamed...) That remains a mixed bag. Some help me, some hate me. In the helping camp, I recently had a group of them spontaneously offer me so much protection that I suddenly stopped drinking for an entire day - AND IT WASN'T EVEN HARD. Given the amount I am currently drinking, this is astounding. Unfortunately, it was also short-lived - they tell me that while they support my journey, it is too draining for them to protect me from all the vampires who are making me drink. So this is sporadic at best thus far. And I understand their collective anger; I am constantly told that I've "squandered my life" on medications and alcohol. When I point to the fact that my light is being drained by so many people, they are apt to tell me to "stop blaming everyone else for your problems" and that I should just be stronger and deal with it somehow. Seriously? I am now so low that the only thing I'm good for is eking out a few hours of work for my (remote) job each day; it's a miraculous event when I even feel up to taking a shower this past year. So, I have a lot of anger, and my mouth often gets me in trouble with these beings, who are by their own admission "a proud people" (meaning they don't tolerate a lot of backtalk).

However, I do have one of these beings in particular that I work with through my partner, who channels him for me, so it is not coming through the minefield (mindfield? ;) of my mind for a change, and despite extensive delays, he is unfailingly patient and constructive, and this path is very promising. This being and I recently identified our chosen area of collaboration: working on mapping out and establishing a whole new era of community for humanity! So not all is lost (I hope... I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with anything nonhuman.)

Lately I've been hearing that half of what is tormenting me in terms of voices is actually just my own mind. (sigh) With everything I hear, I now have to check in, "Is this my mind?" And a lot of it is, but then, a lot of it isn't. Angels, demons, faeries, other people's unconscious minds, my cat, you name it, I can hear it. But as for the part that's just coming from me, I was dialoguing with my mind and asking what I can do to calm down this torment. And it told me that I don't put it to good use in my daily life, which has become mind-numbingly repetitive... Essentially, it feels understimulated and underappreciated. So, in addition to working with the afforementioned being on community, I have decided to get back into blogging. It helps me organize my thoughts, and for some bizarre reason can even attract readers, so maybe it can give me a way to help others who are struggling in the midst of medication, madness, magic, and everything in between.

So if you're listening, thank you, and I hope you find something of benefit in these pages.