The Muse Awakens

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I have no idea where to start. The last ten days have been some of the most profound days of my life to date, swinging wildly between giddy highs and paralyzing lows. As requested by my team, I started a voice diary with Sky, which is promising. But tonight, I have been called to write. And write I must.

It came about in the most unexpected way possible - and, it turns out, courtesy of my guides, once I made the concerted effort to ask for help. I was agonizing with Zachary over how I could possibly get my drinking under control when the these beings (which have requested not to be named) have been coming down on me in targeted attacks, but based on the endless repetition of the mantra "You have to stop drinking" coming from all angles, I was coming to assume that was the only way out of this nightmare. Then as Zachary was taking me through the ICE prioritization process (Impact, Confidence, Ease), I "spontaneously" had the idea that maybe instead of me stopping drinking cold turkey, which was scoring the highest (but filled me with dread), I could drink as I pleased as long as I fully committed to writing. It did not even occur to me at the time that what I had intuitively done, with the help of my guides, was surrender in one area of my life while embracing a completely new avenue to personal empowerment.

What happened from there was nothing short of a miracle. Once Zachary and I had confirmed this idea to be the highest scoring, and I committed to it, the onslaught raging in my head ceased. When I came downstairs, I heard my team asking me to fully commit to this path, affirming that it was a valid one. Then I experienced an activation in my body that left me feeling lighter, centered, and optimistic as I realized that this path would not only be easier than quitting drinking, it would be more rewarding, more impactful, and ultimately more effective in reducing my long-term alcohol intake. The beings were suddenly approaching me in a completely different way. The whole tone and content of the dialogue have changed. And I feel more than ever that everything is coming together.

Lol, they're telling me "It doesn't have to be a fight." And I guess that's what I'm starting to realize. Lately, things are just falling into place - and the more I believe in it, the more powerful it becomes.

Also, they're telling me to "give my anger to the page." I don't feel quite ready for that in this first entry, but it is reassuring to know that I will have a safe place to express my anger ... if I can get over the fact that I can't set these posts to private. Ha.

It is almost comical, given the strength of my desire to collaborate with the these beings, what a poor job I am doing of it thus far. It seems that no matter how I interact with them, I end up offending someone. They tell me that I am conditioned to bow to authority from years of schooling and jobs. I guess that's why my reactions can be so spiritually and emotionally immature - I'm basically reverting to an angry, rebellious student in these scenarios. I wish to cultivate a more balanced relationship.

I spoke with Matthias about all this last night, expressing my desire to co-create a better relationship with these beings - one of mutual respect and mutual benefit. Matthias astutely asked how I would go about collaborating in normal daily life. I was immediately taken to my days in the creative corporate jungle in NYC. Thus inspired, I identified five key steps to successful collaboration:

1. Meet to identify common goals.

2. Establish tasks and roles.

3. Check in on progress regularly.

4. Refine our approach.

5. Execute our strategy.

Or something like that! I admit, I feel daunted by this potential partnership. These beings have already asked more of me than I was comfortable giving. At the same time, I can think of no more exciting use of my gifts and talents, in service of the world. It may be the case, as with my ancestors, that I have to focus on my healing before I can fully commit to what they need from me. But I have a feeling that writing is the key to my healing.