The Next Phase

Holy shit, what a turnaround.

Today has been a very good day, despite a troubling start and a hellacious night where I found myself down the rabbit hole, researching the spiritual repercussions of suicide. (I don't believe in hell, obviously, but there are plenty of punitive variants. Ever seen What Dreams May Come?) Honestly, in the scenario that resonated with me the most, it seemed like the worst thing you'd have to go through would be facing the disappointment of all the people "back home" who needed you to keep going. Of course, as I type that, it certainly sounds like a kind of hell in itself.

Interestingly, as opposed to my run-of-the-mill suicide research (detailed methods and statistics), this spiritual version seemed to partially alleviate my black mood, offering some relief. If not because all the prospects presented were positive (most weren't), then simply because of the number of people out there who are like me: terrified of this world, but also terrified of the unknown. Also, in reading all the theories and teachings and experiences, even though there was no consensus among the spiritual types on what happens after you commit suicide, there was an implicit consensus that there is a system in place that understands the phenomenon of suicide and will respond accordingly. That in itself is a huge reassurance to me.

So, on to my shaky start this morning. My partner was out on a date, and as sometimes happens when he's gone, I awoke at sunrise to psychic attack activity. But this was not the usual fare. Instead, a single male being told me that they were holding space for me to have this drink because they knew I needed more sleep, but that they are done working with me. The fact that I have not yet dropped drinking completely once the severity of the situation was made clear to me by these beings, not to mention me going back up to seven drinks yesterday (and all in the evening), leads them to believe that I will never really stop drinking, and in the face of this, all my progress means nothing. He went on to say that I will never work with them, on the book or anything else, and that the other beings will continue to attack me, and that this was goodbye, adding that I am worthless to them.

To my credit, I was very alarmed, but I think I was flexing my nascent discernment muscles a little. Those beings who hate me fuck with me constantly - they even had me nearly convinced that I had stage 2 lymphoma the other day - so I've learned to sit back and observe more often when they approach me, instead of reacting. I also felt like some key clues were absent - notably, I did not hear any other beings gloating about my failure, which seemed unlikely, nor did I hear the torment of my own inner voice whose trademark scream is "I wanted to be somebody!" But one of my other voices was suggesting that he was worried it was real, which was the only time I started to feel freaked out, because I trust him. But I just sat with it and observed for a bit, then went back upstairs and slept a few more hours. And even though there were some rumblings about it once I got up, it wasn't long before they admitted that they were just fucking with me.

The rest of today has been excellent. After my mini-bender last night, I haven't had a drop to drink today (and it's five to midnight!) And it's been pretty easy! I've also been super productive! And not only has my head quieted down considerably today, but the beings are being kinder and much more positive with me today. Which is obviously a good thing, but I admit, I still don't feel in control of all this. If anything upsets me or gets me worked up, I assume I will pick up again. It feels like I didn't drink because today went so well, not the other way around. And that seems to be the pattern overall.

My shaman is encouraging me to converse every morning with the beings who support me, about the book we're going to co-write. I admit I am a little intimidated by this. In part because when I opened up to that, I didn't properly set my intentions or make a formal invitation, so the other beings swarmed in, and I got fed up and called it quits. Today, I wasn't sure what the hell was going on, so I didn't want to risk it. (Ha - I just heard one of the beings narrating that sentence in a dumbed-down version of my voice, then saying, "That's what you sound like!" lol!)

I was going to say I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but that's just not true. I am afraid of all kinds of things. Afraid I will say the wrong thing and offend someone. Afraid my mind will mouth off obscenities, infuriating everyone and humiliating me. Afraid that they will ask more of me than I am able or willing to give. Afraid that I am not up to the task. Afraid that I will be found unworthy in some way... And to make matters worse, it's often when I'm afraid to fuck up that my mind is at its most unruly. Though I do believe I'm getting better. And I guess I need to keep in mind that they have invited me to work with them, despite all my flaws and failures, and if it's not appropriate for me to work with them in any capacity yet, I can trust them to politely decline.

Ugh, I just had a moment of self-loathing for the way I act with them. It's like I'm a high schooler getting sent to the principal's office all over again, just angry and obnoxious. They hold all the knowledge and the power, and if I try to speak my truth, I get shut down (by some of them, at least). But I could still conduct myself like an adult - or rather, like a sovereign being.

Wow, I just heard my primary (deleted) contact thank me for my feedback, and welcome me to the next phase.

I'll leave it at that. :)