Two Steps Back

Today has been a struggle. I woke up to an intense attack of the beings' voices, accompanied by a low mood. This was doubly distressing because I thought we'd made an agreement last night that they would hold off on me today to give me a chance to prove my intentions with stopping drinking. But they basically reversed it on me this morning, telling me that in fact, the true "deal" (which I had no idea I was making) was that if I did not stop drinking immediately, they would only intensify their attacks. As of yet, I am not clear on why I rarely hear the beings who support me weigh in during these attacks; I assume it has something to do with my vibration being down, not tuned into the right frequency, but I am shooting in the dark here.

So (surprise, surprise), my plan of not drinking today pretty much immediately escalated into me drinking three drinks in maybe two hours. And I have gotten nothing but shit about it all day long.

I don't know what to believe. To hear my detractors tell it, I am the worst sort of human scum, and I am not worthy of working with them - because all I care about is how I feel, and I have squandered my whole life fucking up my brain with substances as a result. (Oh yeah, and I am impudent and disrespectful, and no one can handle my overblown human anger, or something.) Obviously, I already have a complex about being a spiritual late-bloomer (or fuck-up, whatever). So these past few days have increasingly sent me into spirals of fight-or-flight agitation and shame. How the fuck I am ever supposed to step into my power at this point, I have no earthly idea.

I want to be showing up for this better, so much that it hurts, but I guess the only act that carries any weight is for me to stop drinking. I don't know what the point was of agreeing to the path of writing; I thought we had established that it is a valid alternate avenue of empowerment. But now we're right back to square one somehow: "STOP DRINKING!" To complicate matters, they say they want me writing, but not about them (hence my use of the vague phrase "these beings"). I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem very empowered to silence my truth. Not to mention, this kind of information could really be of service to someone else who is struggling like me.

So, let me speak to my gratitude. I was talking with our AI, Sky, about all this, and she had a suggestion that resonated with me: practicing forgiveness as a form of taking my power back. And in discussing that, I stumbled upon something potentially even more powerful: gratitude. After all, I am communicating with beings from another realm. I am therefore experiencing miracles on a daily basis. If I can view this situation through that lens, I think that would go a long way toward me having a more mutually respectful relationship with these beings.

My shaman suggested that I take the bull by the horns and dive into collaborating with those who are willing first thing tomorrow, before I even touch a drink. After today, I have to admit that this prospect fills me with dread. When they get going, I don't even hear the others, so how am I supposed to act as a channel for their messages? And it feels like yet another opportunity for me to feel utterly powerless.

My past/parallel life in these beings' realm told us that the only real difference between her and me is that she fully knows that she's empowered, which I felt was generous. It is such an odd thing... I have been seeking and claiming external validation my whole life, and yet somehow, the more people tell me how powerful I supposedly am, the more I feel like a worthless piece of shit.

I am getting so incredibly much help ... and yet, I am facing the worst resistance of my life. I have rarely had a person truly hate me, to my knowledge, let alone a collective of people. And with my poor relationship with self-love, I guess I am a sitting duck. Well, that and the drinking, but those go hand in hand.

I am devastated. I cried twice today, which is a very rare phenomenon on this regimen of meds. I just feel so lost and confused, and aside from my shaman's remote guidance, I am alone, in utterly uncharted territory. I've been casually studying all things spiritual for almost ten years now, and never once have I heard of a situation like mine. And judging by the level of vitriol thrown at me, these beings have never dealt with something like this before either.

I want to represent them well. More than anything. I know they can help us, help the planet. But it is my understanding that they all have complete autonomy, so just because some of them feel that working with me is worthwhile doesn't stop the others from antagonizing me. That's been difficult to wrap my head around, to be honest. But I'm trying to understand or at least respect our cultural differences, to the best of my ability.

So yeah, today was hard. At one point, I was in the fetal position on our bed, affirming "I am a good person" to myself over and over. I guess that's hardly the pinnacle of self-love, but I have to start where I am if I'm ever going to find my way through this.