Weighty Thoughts

It's good that I'm back here, but it came about in a disappointing way. Yesterday I had a session with my shaman, and I had a mini meltdown. She ended up giving me some advice moving forward that impacted me in a way maybe no one ever has. She told me to commit to two things - I chose showering and getting out for a walk - and do those things every day for a couple weeks, no matter how much I hate them, no matter if I end up feeling better or not, and even if it ends up making me feel worse. This will be my nonnegotiable foundation for self-care, which is key to my empowerment and believing in myself. And because I trust my shaman and believe in the power of her experience, I felt fully committed to doing it, whether I wanted to or not.

Fast forward to today... I did get a shower (yay!), but the walk was a no-go. I was constantly checking in with myself throughout the day, seeing if maybe now was doable. But from morning onward, the thought filled me with anxiety - it was that same old feeling where the thought of leaving the house makes me feel dizzy and exposed, unsafe. To the point that I would not have been comfortable operating a vehicle - and this was before I got into drinking. But at no point did I have the impression of "I don't feel like it" in the way I was anticipating; it was more like I couldn't. Which is very concerning. So, to bring things full circle, I decided to at least temporarily commit to a back-up task: writing. If I can't walk, I'll write.

I had a really beautiful exchange with the beings today - maybe some of the most reassuring and understanding words I've ever heard from them. I felt so deeply moved and honored. I have been hearing more and more supportive messages breaking through lately, and this is so welcome while I am face down in this "I have failed my mission" crisis. And it's especially welcome in the face of my partner flying out to present at an environmental conference in less than a week; when it gets bad - if it gets bad - at least I'll know that there are people and beings out there who understand and encourage me. I'm not completely alone.

Speaking of which, I was just talking to these beings about the fact that I'm not alone, and I was wondering, why does that not impact me more profoundly - to have verbal confirmation that there is more to life than what we perceive with our five senses? Isn't this the part of the fantasy novel where I should be constantly in awe and vowing to do my best to fulfill the prophecy? But honestly, I think it's because the type of contact I am experiencing, while proof that we are "not alone," is wildly inconsistent, and which, at least through my admittedly distorted lens, seems to have a penchant for darkness and cruelty. (Which makes it all the more shocking and blessed when I receive a communication from what feels like a more heart-centered place.) So, I guess in my case, with the profound realization that I am not alone comes the terrifying realization that the world "out there" is a lot more fucked up than I thought. And unfortunately, my sessions with my shaman only seem to be confirming this.

I had a powerful moment tonight where I was expressing my heartfelt desire to the universe to help move the mental health crisis forward. And my desire and intention were recognized, but it was pointed out to me that there is no way I can expect to lead people out of medications if I'm too terrified to get off meds myself. I have to go through the journey, for better or for worse, so that I can serve as a guide for many, as my shaman does. I have to be willing to enter the cave to bring back the treasure for the tribe. Holy shit, that's so obvious, ha! Wow.

Which begs the question: is my dragon in the cave all my repressed emotions (my shadow)? Or is it more a question of other people's shadows? Maybe all of the above? Honestly, that's what scares me most. Feeling my feelings is not my strong suit on my best of days, but what about feeling everybody else's feelings, or worse, being fed on? What if I find out that medication was blocking the worst of that? Although, they keep insisting that the meds make me more susceptible to psychic interference, and I know this to be true with certain meds, so I guess I just have to trust. I'm running out of meds anyway, so it's not like I have much choice unless I want to hop on the find-a-new-doctor carousel.

Okay, great, these beings are telling me to expect to deal with both. I can't even think about that right now. I'm pretty solidly planning to drop my dose after my partner gets back from the conference, and... Okay, yeah, I'm terrified. And so, sooooo grateful for all my spare Vraylar, it has bought me the luxury of months of non-crisis time, if needed! And so very grateful that we pulled off New Zealand while my anxiety was managed, although of course maybe I missed out.

Just kinda rambling at this point, but onward... I have a lot of fear around my partner's conference that I try to keep to myself, because I don't want to infect him with doubt. What he is trying to pull off, I could never and would never do in a million years. I have to trust in the universe that he would not be given this opportunity if he weren't ready. I just ... can't fathom it. And just yesterday, it actually started triggering nascent fears that he will skyrocket so fast that I and my wayward ways will get left behind. But I have to trust that everything is headed in the right direction. I don't know if I'm ready, and judging by how my life to date has gone, probably not ready enough.

Sometimes I just wish I could still lose myself and find myself in some really good drugs.