What now?

I have done what the beings wanted me to do (and what circumstances of my own making are forcing me to do): I am coming down on the Geodon. After all, despite my assertions that this is the most stable I've been in years, I am still drinking like there's no tomorrow, so how well is it really working for me? So, I have started what I fear most: my descent. I am slowly entering the cave to confront my dragon, which I feel is my own unmedicated feelings. But I have so many misgivings - I feel like I have to stay stable while my partner untangles himself from his other relationships. But again, I have no choice unless I find a new provider.

Given that I have a stockpile of Vraylar, an antipsychotic that I trust that has helped me release drinking in the past (and which is proven to help with substance abuse), I thought I was in the clear. I saw it as my rip cord, to be pulled in case of emergency. Well, three days into my reduced dose of Geodon, my partner had a breakup discussion with his girlfriend - and I was a train wreck. I felt like no matter how much I drank, it wasn't enough. So, telling myself that I can't afford to keep drinking like this, emotionally, physically, or financially, I pulled the rip cord. I took a single dose of Vraylar.

Far from calming me down or vanquishing my ever-present desire to drink, the Vraylar ended up mixing with the Geodon in a very unpleasant way, and I ended up drinking even more (which I didn't know was possible). I felt totally crazy last night. These two drugs obviously do not play well together, even though cross-tapering is advised. Day two, I feel more normal, but my desire to drink is so overpowering that while my partner was out procuring discount alcohol for me, I went down to the garage out of desperation and anger, to finally tap into that big decorative bottle of whatever liquor someone gave to my dad (or more likely, my grandfather) ages ago. It was only when I saw that the wax seal had never been broken that I gave up in a bout of shame.

Now my partner is back, alcohol has been procured, and I have gotten my BAC back to its desired baseline. I have no idea what I'm going to do from here. It feels like it's the combination of two antipsychotics that has me drinking like this, but I can't say for sure. All I know is that this is not sustainable in any way. I'm wasting literally thousands of dollars a year on a self-destructive habit. But what am I expecting to happen as I continue going down on the Geodon? I'm going to miraculously stop drinking as my long-dampened anxiety kicks back in?

As for the beings ... I don't know. They are supportive to a point. They were clear that they agreed with me that the Vraylar was worth a try if it could decrease my drinking. But now ... the messages are more garbled. One thing is clear: everyone is horrified. Everyone was banking on the Vraylar being my rip cord. Now I don't even know when it's safe to take it again. After this experience, I would still be hesitant to try it after my next Geodon dose drop - and that's almost three weeks away. I've been researching all manner of things online, but other people seem to switch from one antipsychotic to another no problem. I'm just thankful the worst of it has worn off, but it is not a rip cord I will readily be pulling again.

Lately, I've been trapped in this incessant internal examination of where I went wrong. My understanding is that being put on psych meds as a child was a planned part of my life mission - one that I was supposed to overcome, so I could put my "voice" to use illuminating the dangers of the path of medication. But if that's true ... when is it that I was meant to definitively get off meds? I've tried more times than I can count, but with no chance to develop coping skills, thanks to early meds, I always give up sooner or later, when my negative experience becomes so overpowering that I can't function. Or should I say, "can't perform"? Because that's what it really is - whether striving to meet high academic standards, or later professional ones, there has never been a good time to fall apart. In the wake of my first love moving away in high school, when my whole identity was being a perfect student? In my twenties, after my sister died, when I was 60 grand in the student loan debt hole and was desperate to hang onto my nascent career? When the fuck was the right time? When has it EVER made sense to feel all my feelings? And now, come to find out, half of what I was "feeling" was really just the result of psychic vampirism from EVERYone around me, starting when I was a fucking toddler - honestly, how did I stand a chance of completing my mission?!

I am so confused. Every spiritual source insists that you must feel your feelings. But in essence, I hate my life, and I feel powerless to build a better one. I have an amazing home, an amazing partner, and an amazing career. This is all true. But I am drinking like it's my job, and have been for years now. For a long time, I blamed it on psychic attack by my partner's wife, which has certainly contributed. But now? I feel increasingly distant from my partner (despite our best intentions), I am freaked out about my financial situation, my health... Not to mention I have no close friends here. What can I do? Our dream of moving to New Zealand is laughably distant at this point. How should I keep going, when I'm bored all day long (I'm not into the books I edit anymore), never get any exercise, and can't connect with my partner? Okay, let's start with the easy one: exercise. But it's too hot to go for a walk until sunset, and by then I'm many drinks in. I could get up early to go walk, but lack of sleep makes me feel like total shit. Not to mention, I just feel completely uninspired when we walk.

But this is all just my victim mentality, right?

Practically speaking, I guess the thing to do would be to give myself permission to drink as needed for the next three weeks, then try the Vraylar again when I drop to a half dose of Geodon. But that's only a 25% dose decrease; will Geodon play any better with Vraylar then? And it has a super long half life, so that's potentially days of my life lost.

This is why I don't journal anymore. It's just rehashing shit I've already established in my head; no new insights come in. I don't know why. Maybe it's the fucking drinking. Maybe it's the fucking meds. Maybe it's just the realization that laying out my problems in text does fuck all to solve them.

I think the thing that scares me the most is not necessarily feeling my feelings (which is definitely a big one); it's the notion that MY FEELINGS WILL NEVER GET BETTER. Because my brain is broken after a lifetime of meds and doesn't function well without. Because all the things we are evolved to require for our well-being - purpose, exercise, healthy food, social interaction - already feel out of my reach, and I'm already on fucking meds! Am I really going to be in any better position to meet people or get out for daily walks when I am a train wreck? Am I just supposed to indefinitely BE a train wreck and hope that I'll somehow muster the wherewithal to improve my situation someday?? Jesus, I had lethal medications stockpiled until my partner made me flush them! Does it seem like I am set up for success?!

I am tired of being angry at the universe. Tired of hating myself. Tired of feeling perpetually disengaged. And thinking that coming off of meds will somehow solve all this lost its luster long ago. I used to feel better after I quit a med, more alive. But that was before psychosis. Now, everyone I know, save for my partner, would tell me I'm a fool to do what I'm doing. Because nobody wants to deal with me unmedicated - least of all me.

I guess I'm just going to keep inching forward. Lower the dose 2-3 weeks at a time, with the Vraylar as backup. And meanwhile drink myself into oblivion and poverty? I'm drinking a case a day! What do I expect to change?

The beings insist I cannot work on this book with them unless I "clear my channel." As one of them put it earlier, "It's either drinking, or your destiny." Why would I not choose my divine destiny? But how the hell am I supposed to let go of drinking when every day is a struggle, and now it's only likely to get worse? Will I experience some sort of miraculous breakthrough? Or will I, in my unmedicated insanity, only drive my partner away, the one person who is really here for me - and then, who knows what?

I wish I were in a better place, but it feels important to get all this out.