Wherever I go, here I am.

The New Zealand trip has come and gone, and by all counts, it was a smashing success. Ultimately, that has made the past three weeks all the harder to fathom.

The trip was a much-needed reunion for my partner and me, but ultimately that distance between us still remained. But everything went so well, I was undeterred and even made peace with going home in advance. And our first full day back was notably positive for both of us - we felt like we were seeing all our troubles in a new light.

It's hard to remember that feeling now, in the wake of everything that's happening. Now I am back in the maze of mirrors, every surface reflecting something disturbing back at me. It's almost like the trip never happened at all.

Starting with the first night we hung out after the trip, my partner was suddenly catapulted into a very dark and frightened place in reference to his chronic sense of guilt and obligation - and this shift immediately impacted me energetically. We have been struggling off and on ever since. The closeness we felt on the trip is gone, replaced by a mounting sense of distrust triggering by the realization that my partner is psychically draining me and apparently has been for a long time.

Worse, aside from damaging my trust in my partner, this has damaged my faith in humanity. My partner cares about me more than anyone else does in the world - and he's draining me too? Who is safe, if not him? Is it my destiny to be a human battery?

That said, thanks to my shaman, this has brought up some important conversations about our relationship. We are getting honest with each other in a way that even we, huge fans of vulnerability, never have before, and it is long overdue. And if we are to successfully move forward together, I think this level of honesty is essential. But that doesn't mean it's easy. I am asserting my boundaries and grievances more openly, but my partner is already under a ton of pressure from his work, along with trying to sort out multiple relationships. It is hard to get through to him when he is juggling so many competing priorities. Thus, tensions rise, along with resentment.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about the relationship that I never dreamed I would have. Regrets about the past and my role in things, but also intense fears about our (and my own) future, along with questioning the very foundation, viability, and ultimate impact of our relationship.

I am excruciatingly aware that I have contributed to the ways this relationship has unfolded, primarily by taking and then maintaining a disempowered stance over a period of years, which continues to this day. I don't know what to think. I feel like I've been under years of hypnosis. Clearly I should have asserted better (or any?) boundaries, but does that mean my partner's fears are true - that he's taking advantage of me?

Interestingly, though these beings are quick to condemn my partner's words and actions, they insist that he and I are meant to try to mend this and move forward - they don't want us to give up. In fact, they seemed engaged with the idea of working more collaboratively with him. So, I am trying to keep my focus forward. But it's very difficult to keep my eye on the prize when my partner's moods and energy slump affect me from the moment I wake up.

As if that weren't bad enough... Fuck. Now there's money/survival fear and health/survival fear on top of it. I don't even want to talk about it. I was feeling really good on these fronts leading up to and throughout New Zealand, but now I'm obsessed with getting cancer and squandering my inheritance (again). And honestly, I feel betrayed (or at best confused), because these beings were definitely urging us to go on the trip. But it seems that they, like me, believed it would change something vital. And now I don't know what to believe.

Then there's my appearance. There's no fooling a camera, and we took thousands of photos on that trip. From every angle, I now know in excruciating detail how old and haggard I look. And I can't deny that I'm seeing my vitality draining before my eyes, on a monthly basis or less, and aside from invoking the deepest human shame, it scares me to death to think what must be happening to my body. And I, of all people, know that I am not immune to harm.

What if it's too late, and then my partner is stuck with me in my final days or years out of his immovable sense of obligation?

But tonight, something incredible happened (and there have been a few things this month, actually). A group of beings came through whom I had never heard before. They clarified that they are not any of the beings I usually hear, but declined to identify themselves - I think they feel it's better for me that way. Their message was fully supportive, and I experienced a physical activation. They made clear that they were helping me, and I felt the influx of light. They also told me that they are aware of my situation, and that I am meant to be more, but that nothing that's happened is my fault. I wish I could hold onto that feeling!

Oh hell, I didn't even mention the upcoming collision of me running out of my antipsychotic, and my partner finally asking his wife for a divorce - his wife, who I now believe is psychically attacking both of us. I did try dropping to the next lowest dose for a couple days, and it went better than I feared, but my sleep was disrupted both nights. Who knows how long that could go on? Not to mention the mood stabilization and reduced anxiety. I really have no idea how I'm going to survive it, especially without drinking. Ditto to my partner asking for a divorce.

Lately, I just can't wait to get to sleep.